To Aion or not to Aion…

Well, today something happened and I can’t say I was waiting for it, but I knew it was around the corner, sooner or later. My friend had a bad argument inside the legion and left it. I’m not going to debate whether he was right or not because as usual truth is in the middle… but of course him leaving made me think.
I joined Havoc to stay with him and I worked hard to get in there. And yet, since I joined my activity drastically dropped. I had my surgery in November and since then I never fully recovered. Be it the medicine, be it the hospital experience, or the tiredness that followed the surgery… I don’t know. Fact is I almost never grouped with my new legion mates, I almost never joined their Ventrilo, I almost never did anything with them. They are fun guys and I like the legion chat as it usually manages to make me smile and laugh but somehow I don’t feel that “pull” with them. I never felt at home with Havoc, not like I was feeling at home with Highlander, even after Benedict rejoined and I was suddenly the second choice. Maybe it’s the language, maybe it’s the fact I was always on TS with Highlander. I stopped because I was annoying my husband with my endless talking and I miss that.
And now my main reason for being in Havoc is gone.
So what to do now? My first istinct was “ok this is it. Time to quit.” but I already made that mistake once when PoE disbanded and I learnt from that. Going with the flow just leads to mistakes and this time I want to cool down and think.
Of course the main problem is my activity level. Do I still like playing? Am I tired of Aion? Can be. I played Assassin’s Creed a lot lately and when I turn to single players it usually mean I’m tired of the MMO I’m playing.

I don’t even touch Eilan anymore, save for logging her in for Arena. And even then I just do it for the sake of doing it. Winning or loosing I don’t really care. I’m scared of grouping with her as I don’t really know anymore how to play her and what’s worse I don’t even care. I’m starting to think my healing days are over. Or maybe it just feels useless now. Sometimes I think about 3.0 and the raised cap and I know I will probably want Eilan to reach 60. I can paint myself playing a lot there and grouping again because I will have a goal to achieve and not like now. I want the new lvl 58 armor and of course to wear it I will have to be lvl 58 myself. Which means playing. Right now it feels really useless instead :(

Then there is my summoner which I enjoy, but I’m slacking there too, going really slow. I started the Miragent quest a month ago. That’s too much. And even with her, I don’t feel like grouping, I see her more like a solo char which means she can’t replace Eilan in the legion.

To be honest I blame the Arena for this situation. It made me hate Eilan and I loved her so much before. I started to feel useless and inadequate and the crowd of people shouting left and right how easy it is to solo pvp with a cleric for sure didn’t help. My incompetence feeling spread to the group part to the point I’m not even sure I can heal anymore. I remember just three groups made with Havoc (but I think there were more). One was SinPR in Eso, which went good. Another one was with Lore in BT where I was told I was the worst healer he ever grouped with. And the last one was another BT, where Lollipop apparently insulted me, even though I don’t know what he said. Not the greatest experiences for one who lacks confidence.
Maybe the problem is I don’t trust them enough to show them my weaknesses and go again with the trial and error process. Right now I can think of only a couple of person I would trust enough to group with, knowing that even if I do some mistake they will shout at me but understand my problems as well. And this leads me straight to another point: I was probably wrong in leaving Highlander. It wasn’t a good situation there, but at least I was still having fun and it was relaxing. I wasn’t feeling under exam the whole time. Yet, joining Havoc was a dream, for more reasons than just one. I wanted that name above my head and the feeling of being part of something big, just once. Which is the reason I still didn’t leave, as I know that once I’m out, I’m out for good, they won’t take me back. After all, why should they, I didn’t show them anything worth keeping.

There are some options I can consider:
– Stay in Havoc until they kick me out for inactivity and try and make up my mind on what to do.
– Leave Havoc and just stay solo or rejoin Highlander, knowing they will disappear once Tera or GW2 are released. But that’s true for any legion probably.
– Reset everything and level up a new toon, maybe with the wave of new players in Perento, once the game goes f2p. My ranger could be a good choice as somehow I feel her more a party char than a solo one (unlike my summoner). But then I would always have Eilan’s shadow above me.
– Finish the damn Miragent quest so Anthiah can have her armor and make her my new main, just pretending I’m the best SM in the world and I can join every group I want. I already know that wouldn’t work ^^
– Join the new server when it will open and leave Perento behind. This I’m seriously considering. It’s apparent I need something new and to find my entertainment in the game again. So why not? I can transfer all the stuff I have on my several chars to the other accounts I have and just delete everyone save Eilan, Anthiah and Amarien. I would have 5 char slots to play with on another server. I would probably play a cleric again, or maybe a chanter as they are needed in party and I would level up fast. And I would group again and enjoy it. Yes, I would meet the same problems I have with Eilan once I reached the Arena stage. But this time I would feel it differently, knowing what is in store for me, not to mention the gold package would grant me more insignas and so it would be faster, even with loosing all the matches. I think I could like leveling up from scratch, that was never a problem to me and Perento just feels suffocating right now.

Just random thoughts for now and something I need to think about. The good news is Aion is going f2p in a couple of weeks. At least if I’m not playing I can stop spending money on it. I just hope GF won’t screw up with the item shop, but I think they will put it up in the beta in the next days, so I should be able to see what they will sell.

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When you feel trapped.

Today was the worst day I spent in a good while.
I had a nervous breakdown complete with tears and negative thoughts. I don’t know if it’s a consequence of the medicine, but if it was I’m happy this is my last month on it.

You see, I’m 35 already. I’m unemployed and I have no chances of getting a job. Why? Because this is the way Italy works. This is simply how it is. All your life is decided in the ten years going from when you’re 20 to when you’re 30. If you make some mistakes there, you’re done for the rest of your life.
Here in Italy, nobody can get a permanent job anymore because it’s not profitable for the employer, tax wise. You can still get some jobs (frequently underpayed) only until the day you’re 30 because after you’re 30 you can’t be an “apprentice” anymore. And this means you cost more to the employer. And finding a job after that fateful date is harder and harder.
If you’re a woman you’re double screwed because everybody thinks that as soon as a woman gets a job she’ll get married and be pregnant. More costs to the employer. Woman, married and over 35 like me? I can kiss goodbye to /any/ job. Nobody wants me, not even to sell tomatoes at the market.

So yes, today I broke down. I spent the whole day in dreamland, looking at other countries as the promised land that would save me, making plans, dreaming of the day I would run away from here and be the new pioneer, finding life and happiness. Needless to say I lack the strength to ever do something like this and the courage.
Alone, in a foreign country, trying to do what I can’t do in my own land? Alone, day and night, knowing there would be nobody there when I sleep, knowing it would probably be just a waste of time and money and I would come home feeling worse than before?

I never was a hopeless person, hope was my strength, always. And yet today I feel hopeless. Trapped. Closed in a cage I can’t open, a cage I will never be able to escape from. I will be a wife and maybe one day I will be a mother, but I won’t ever be truly happy or satisfied. That is beyond my reach. It’s too late for that.

And now excuse me while I go cry some more.

Paris, third part

The next morning we had to go to the Louvre. When we met our guide, we were explained it would take a whole month, day and night, to properly visit the museum. And we just had 2 hours. Gosh.
It was a good tour though. Our guide had a good sense of humor and she kept telling us anecdotes about the paintings and statues. In the end we saw 4 major masterpieces and several minor stuff along the way. The most important one was the Monna Lisa of course. I was surprised at its size. You wouldn’t believe how small that painting is. Leonardo da Vinci took 4 years to paint it Oo
Small and perfect.
My husband was absolutely fascinated by the painting representing Napoleon’s wife coronation.  In that painting, we have Napoleon, already crowned Emperor, standing up before his kneeling wife with her crown in his hands, ready to crown her. And the Pope, sitting behind them. Our guide explained that the Pope travelled all the way to Paris to crown Napoleon but instead Napoleon just took the crown from his hands, crowning himself. It was an act of defiance and arrogance, an act stating Napoleon didn’t need anybody to give him what he felt was rightfully his. And my husband absolutely loved it.

We almost didn’t have time to rest that day as we have Versailles to visit in the afternoon. To our surprise and delight we had the same guide from the morning.
The amazing thing about Versailles (but about the Louvre as well, or Notre Dame) is the amount of time it took to built it. I really think men had a different concept of time back then. They started to build. And they knew only the next generation would be able to see the finished building. But it didn’t matter.
Versailles was built with King Louis XIV but only completed five years before his death. I think it took more or less 60 years to build it all but the King was already living there something unconceivable now, in the “I want it, and I want it now” age.
The feeling I got was respect: respect for the time needed to make something that would last in the centuries, something beautiful and worth the effort. I think we lost this along the way. Now all that matters is /having/ stuff. Soon. Sooner. Yesterday.

Visiting Versailles was weird. I could actually imagine people living there, eating, dancing there. When our guide told us generations of princes were born in the Queen’s chambers I could actually paint it in my mind. And when she told us about Marie Antoinette desperately running through the passage connecting her room to the King’s chamber, during the Versailles assault, I really saw this scared woman crossing the room and throwing herself through the corridor.
I swear it was almost painful and scaring, like I was seeing ghosts.

Versailles was the last of our guided tours, which meant we were free for the rest of the day. And would you believe that we almost missed the midnight, passing out at the hotel?
In the end we went out just because it was New Year’s Eve because we would have gladly slept until the next morning, we were exhausted.
We wanted to go to the Tour Eiffel area to see if there would be any fireworks, but when we got there it was so crowded we actually decided against it. I already had my share of a crowd on the tower and I wasn’t looking forward to get in there again and my husband wasn’t too happy himself of putting us in a dangerous position.
So we settled for a little restaurant nearby and happily toasted at the New Year comfortably sitting down. No fireworks though. It was forbidden :(
Coming back to the hotel however, was a nightmare.
Some metro exits were closed to allow the police (who was everywhere!!!) to direct the crowd easily. Metro was free that night and would run all the night as well, but it took more than 2 hours to get back. And I was almost crushed by the crowd again -.-

In the end, when we finally collapsed on the bed, I could barely feel my body anymore.

Next day it was leaving day. We took our time in the morning, walking down the Champs Elisees and we even had the chance to watch some street dancers. So nice and fun ^^
We were too tired though… our plane was leaving at 9pm (if I recall correctly) but we were at the airport in the afternoon. We couldn’t walk anymore :(
I fell asleep as soon as the plane left. I was lucky because this time we were seated on the wing and my husband told me it wasn’t comfortable at all. I was glad I slept, I would have been scared otherwise ^^
Driving home was hard because I was really sleepy. Couldn’t wait to reach home and my bed.
I think I refused to even look at a pair of shoes for 2 days after coming home… our feet were soundly complaining ^_^

All in all it was a demanding holiday. It started bad, it went to worse and then it slowly got better. I’m happy I went, but I learnt some important stuff in this holiday.
1) the next person telling me about “formal dress” will be ignored. On that boat there were several people casually dressed and walking around in heels killed me.
2) Booking the tours is next to useless. We saw several people booking it day by day at the agency.

If I ever go on holiday again, I will remember this ^^
Oh and yes, we’re getting our money from the agency back. I went there and I made sure there was no room for anything but an apology. We should get the money back in some days. Yuppie!

Paris, second part

Note on French girls: they like short skirts. I never saw so many skirts all together and in the mid of winter. Now I get why there was a whole Lafayette section dedicated to stockings, collants and socks. French girls just love them.

That said… on that first day we wandered around until around mid afternoon when we went back to the hotel to rest a bit before going out again. The plan for the evening was: cruise on the Seine, Tour Eiffel and then Moulin Rouge.
Our agency warned us that a formal dress was required for the cruise and so we were prepared. My husband even wore a tie, something he never uses. I must say he was very elegant, I was rather proud to go around with him ^^
As for me, I was wearing a pair of black, elegant trousers after quickly discarding the notion of a skirt back home. I had a perfect one but truth to be told I didn’t want to ruin it during the trip. Turned out it was the right decision as it was a black velvet skirt and outside it was raining. Velvet and rain are a very bad combination :D

This time we were prepared. We had wi-fi at the hotel so we studied the fastest route to the Agency as we didn’t want to be late again.
It didn’t work.
We got lost again.
I couldn’t believe it. I looked forward so much to that evening and now we were going to loose it again. My feet were killing me as I was wearing heels and walking under the rain knowing we weren’t going anywhere was so depressing that I started crying out of rage and frustration. Until then I can honestly say it was the most horrible holiday I ever had.
Then my husband had a stroke of genius. “We had three differents events this evening. We lost the cruise, but maybe we can catch up at the Tour Eiffel”.
It made sense, so I stopped crying and gathered the last shreds of strenght I had to try and find that damn agency again. At last, after another ten minutes we arrived there.
And I will never ever forget the awesome employee who had pity of us and told us we could still make it for the cruise if we hurried.
It looked like the bus who was leaving from there was running around half Paris to reach the boat while it could be reached in ten minutes of walk from where we were.
We could still make it.
He showed us the path to take and picked up the phone to tell our boat to wait for us because we were coming. Whoever you are and wherever you are, thank you.
I couldn’t run but I walked as fast as I could under the rain, sending my husband ahead at a certain point to alert the boat we were there. The longest ten minutes of my life and the most painful as well. Damn those heels!!!
But hey. In the end we got to the boat! I was breathless and could barely talk out of cold and fatigue.
After recovering we realised we were early even as a good number of people came onboard after us, but we were so relieved we really didn’t care. All that mattered was we weren’t loosing the evening like we did the morning.

The cruise on the Seine was slow and visually stunning. It was raining but that was only adding to it to be honest. Paris was all lit up and shone in the night like a polished jewel. We had our dinner (which was definitely good) and looked around through the glass walls, enjoying the view.
Then it was the Tour Eiffel turn, something I was really not looking forward to. You see, I badly suffer from vertigo ^^
I was shaking for the entire time, both from cold and fear. I kept holding my husband’s hand all the time, squeezing it hard when I dared to look down from the tower. God it was awesome. The lights, the river, the night… fantastic.
Coming down from the tower was a nightmare though. Since it was raining hard we decided to take the lift and it was a really bad decision as I was nearly crushed in the crowd. I was scared, I will be honest. I’m a tiny woman and all those people were pushing me everywhere and towering on me. The crowd separated me from my husband and I could see him trying to reach me before I got hurt. In the end I was almost pushed to the ground but he managed to grab me before I fell.
When we got out of there, I sighed in relief.
The last part of the evening was the Moulin Rouge.

We were taken there by bus and we stayed in queue for almost 20 minutes before being able to enter so I had the time to look around. Well, we had been previously warned so I knew what to expect from the red light district of Paris. Sexy shop obviously. Pretty much everywhere ^^
When we finally managed to get it, I was amazed. The Moulin Rouge it’s a huge theatre, it can hold 900 people. We were lucky as we had our seats near the stage. I could almost touch the dancers. We were given champagne, comfortably sat down and then the show started.
Wow. Very good music and very good dancers. Most of the women were almost naked, just wearing a thong, fishnet collants and shoes. The breasts were naked if you didn’t count all the necklaces and various stuff part of the costumes. No bra, that is for sure, but hey it’s Moulin Rouge. You know the women are going to be almost naked.
There were four addictional spectacles, among the dancing. The most amazing one was a ventriloquist. He actually taught his dog to open and close the mouth in synch with him! Amazing.
In the end I felt the evening was worth the pain from the heels and from all the running we had to do. I was really satisfied.
But when I touched the pillow that night, I think I fainted :D

Paris, first part.

Let’s start by saying it wasn’t perfect. It really wasn’t. Starting from our airport already.
I waited for this trip for a long time since it was more then a year since my last real holiday. And more then five years for the one before that. So you see, I’m not really used to go around.
My first meeting with the airport was far from friendly as my scarf was stolen and since I really feel the cold, it wasn’t something I could easily forget by saying “I’ll buy another one.” Plus I was shocked and angry and scared that someone could just pickpocket me like that. My husband gave me his scarf, so at least I wasn’t freezing, but I was in a horrible mood because of that.
The plane boarding was easy, once we got how to do it (something our travel agency didn’t tell us. And you’ll hear more about that travel agency later).
I was a bit scared on the plane. I tried to focus on everything but the imminent departure until we finally took off. Then I suppose my inner child took over. I was all “ohhh look at that!” “Ohhh look, we’re going really fast now!” to the inner “ohgodohgodwe’releavingohgodpleaseletuslandsafely”.

Then… Wow. Clouds. A sea of clouds beneath us. White and grey, thick and slim. They were like waves, moving like a sea during a seastorm. It was wonderful. And the sun! The sky was a clear blue beyond the clouds and the sun was shining, hot and high. I loved it. On the contrary, in Paris it rained. The whole time. It’s still raining as I’m writing. And yet walking that first night in Paris streets while it was raining, felt right. Peaceful even.
The day after our arrival was our first real day of holiday, since the day before we reached the hotel at dinner time. In the morning we were supposed to reach a meeting point our agency told us to catch the bus for our first target, Versailles.

I’ll open a bracket here and explain that we booked three excursions before actually leaving, and we payed for them. In theory that would make our holiday easier as we already had all the tickets and didn’t need to waste time with queues and such. Our agency already messed before leaving: we booked a dinner on the Tour Eiffel just to find out, after paying, that it wasn’t available anymore. So we got our money back. But for the remaining stuff we booked, we had confirmation everything was ok. So we were quiet and happy walking to the bus.
We got to the meeting point some minutes later (tourists… You get lost easily) and then we found out a couple of things. First, our bus had left. Second, the tickets our agency gave us were just reservations. We needed to go to the local travel agency to convert them into real tickets and we needed to come to the meeting point at least 15 minutes before the actual leaving time. Stuff nobody ever bothered to tell us.
I was speechless at the amount of wrong informations we had. I was on the verge of phoning to my agency and rip them apart but I chose to delay it till my return.
In the end we booked our Versailles tour again and we got a receipt showing we payed for it again. When I’m coming home, I’m going to show it to the agency and get my money back. Notice that I didn’t say “try to”. I will get it back.

Since we had a free morning now, we went to Notre Dame. The amount of people visiting was huge but for most part they were respectful of the place. It was wonderful, a sight so amazing I can’t describe it. Paintings everywhere, candles, silence… The windows. The glass. Every piece a different drawing, bright colors (oh god that red and that purple. I loved them.), I can’t imagine what it was like with the sun shining through them. It must be an amazing sight. It took a good 30 min to walk through it all, although we didn’t go to the treasure room and just stayed in the church. Notre Dame, you really deserve your fame.

Next stop was more… Well. We went to Lafayette ^^
Biiiig place!!! 6 floors of shops. Selling everything. I never saw an entire floor worth of lingerie… So many things. And the toys floor!!! A kid could spend hours there. The only thing I didn’t like were prices. I mean, a scarf worth 60 euros? Excuse me? It was probably branded, but then everything there was, since I didn’t find anything for less. I didn’t buy anything of course :p
But aside for this… I loved the place. Makes a woman happy to look at so many things ^^

I’ll stop wriring for now. Stay tuned for more!!!

New Year: stuff to do

Well, I have lots to write and lots of ideas in my mind… but I don’t really have the time lately so this will be a flash post. Longer ones will come later.
It’s the end of the year and like every year you look back to what you’ve done. I can honestly say this year sucked! It was horrible on so many levels. A new one is coming now. I hope it will be better.

Stuff to do in my RL:
– get serious about writing. I know I can do it, I have the skills for it. I can’t find a job? I have to use the extra time to do something useful then.
– Try again and learn Korean. That language absolutely fascinates me. I blame the korean dramas for that!
– Try and be a better wife. I still have so much to work on… I want to make my husband happy and he’s not right now. That saddens me.
– Get back in track. I’m still suffering from the consequences of my surgery. I’m always tired, depressed, unwilling to do /anything/. I feel like a zombie, I have no more interest in anything, be it doing my stuff at home, or reading, or playing. If this is what that fucking medicine is doing to me, then I think I will be a really sad old woman, when the time comes for real.

Stuff to do in Aion:
– try to get the passion back. Right now I’m only playing because of one person and it’s really getting boring. Still I don’t want to quit till he plays.
– Remember to do my daily stuff with both my chars. Time consuming, but in the long run it pays off.
– Try and group with legion more. They are fun guys, but for most part I don’t even know them. And they don’t know me. Sometimes I really miss my old legion and think leaving it was a mistake. Then I remember why I shifted and I take my fingers far from the “leave legion” button.
– remember it’s just a game. It’s supposed to be fun. The moment it’s really not anymore and no matter what I do I find it boring, then it’s time to quit and not look back again.

Rerolling

There I said it. I’m rerolling my cleric on Aion.

Yesterday something happened and I was so enraged by it that I was tired for the entire day. I was on Eilan, doing my arena matches and I met this sorceror who ripped me apart. Ok he had a +10 eternal tome and was generally good equipped, so I wasn’t expecting to win to start with. But the thing that really made me furious was that I never resisted one of his spells. And he had 1700 MA, while I had 2120 MRes.
Ok, it’s all about %, probability etc. But not one single time? One?
Every silence he threw at me landed. Ever spell landed. Without supplication of focus or whatever the sorcerors use to up their MA.
I was really angry. Not at loosing but at loosing that way.
Every match I ever did in arena, was like: is the opponent my level, my equip or better, no matter the class? I’m dead.
Is the opponent lower than me or worse geared? I may win. May. No guaranteed.
I was trying to be positive, telling myself that once past 2000 Mres things would be easier. That’s not the case.

I’m toying with the idea of really rerolling since a while, but that was the last drop.
I’m forced to socket Mres while I would personally go for HP because the game forces me to, otherwise I’m dead meat. Last event helped in that sense as I have a good stash of manastones now, but before that? Is it fair that I had to spend more than 2 mil for a manastone while other people were just spending 300-400-800k?
Is it fair that I don’t have any skill to raise my Mres while other people can raise their stats? I can raise my concentration. Oooooh, really useful while I’m stunned.

Sorcs can sleep, root, silence.
SMs… let’s not even start.
Rangers stun and silence. And stun. And Stun. Everytime they crit.
Glads stumble, stun.
Chanters stun and throw you on the ground.
Sins stun.
Templars pull, stun.

And what else? I don’t even go look at their skills.
The problem is that it’s not 1 skill they have with the same effect. Either I’m permastunned, or I’m permasilenced, or I’m permafeared. Excuse me if I’m a bit tired of this.
Wait till I have better equip? Bullshit.
When I have better equip, so will my opponents because, guess what, they win more matches than me, so their progress is faster. I’m forever behind.

So yes, I’m tired. Tired of being forced to keep my dps stigma tree on because it’s the only way I can fight in Arena, tired of endlessly loosing unless my opponent is afk and tired of wasting consumables on useless fights (since I loose anyway).
Most of all, I’m tired of getting angry about it. I don’t need this right now.

Rerolling is a nice way to consider Eilan the B char, the one I don’t care about if she wins or looses. I can just be patient and wait till I have my equip, knowing that I only want it to group (something I don’t do right now because of the stupid stigma tree.)

I don’t think I will own anything or anyone with Anthiah. It will be just as frustrating because I will have to equip her, socket her, face people stronger than me. But at least I will have a character that can do more than stay there and wait to see if Lady Luck is on her side or not.
She’s already on the good path, char developing wise. I started leveling her Aethertapping and expanded her inventory, something that makes her feel more like a real character and not just an alt for fun. I’m not afraid of starting again, since I still have Eilan to go back to, if I need. And I’m not even feeling guilty for the legion, since SM is a missing class.

I’m just tired. I don’t want to get angry anymore and I know I will, if I keep playing Eilan. I’m not enjoying her now and this needs to stop or I’ll just quit again.

L2 will also help me chill out a bit, since it was my first love and always will be. I plan to spend lots of time there and enjoy it.

So yes. Rerolling. Fuck you Aion for making me do this.

EDIT: today I played 6 arena tickets. 1 person didn’t show up, so I got 50 insigna. 1 other was a cleric and I won by points.
Then there was: 1 templar with Master Carved weapon +6. He like… 5 shotted me, keeping me stunned.
Then 1 ranger, +10 bow. Permastunned me again. He was kind enough to let me kill him once, so I could go on with the Arena quest.
Then 1 chanter. Almost permastun again.
Last one was another cleric and I lost by points.

As I said on twitter, my decision to reroll never looked so right. Anyway, 162 insigna missing for the gloves. 5 days more.