Well, today something happened and I can’t say I was waiting for it, but I knew it was around the corner, sooner or later. My friend had a bad argument inside the legion and left it. I’m not going to debate whether he was right or not because as usual truth is in the middle… but of course him leaving made me think.
I joined Havoc to stay with him and I worked hard to get in there. And yet, since I joined my activity drastically dropped. I had my surgery in November and since then I never fully recovered. Be it the medicine, be it the hospital experience, or the tiredness that followed the surgery… I don’t know. Fact is I almost never grouped with my new legion mates, I almost never joined their Ventrilo, I almost never did anything with them. They are fun guys and I like the legion chat as it usually manages to make me smile and laugh but somehow I don’t feel that “pull” with them. I never felt at home with Havoc, not like I was feeling at home with Highlander, even after Benedict rejoined and I was suddenly the second choice. Maybe it’s the language, maybe it’s the fact I was always on TS with Highlander. I stopped because I was annoying my husband with my endless talking and I miss that.
And now my main reason for being in Havoc is gone.
So what to do now? My first istinct was “ok this is it. Time to quit.” but I already made that mistake once when PoE disbanded and I learnt from that. Going with the flow just leads to mistakes and this time I want to cool down and think.
Of course the main problem is my activity level. Do I still like playing? Am I tired of Aion? Can be. I played Assassin’s Creed a lot lately and when I turn to single players it usually mean I’m tired of the MMO I’m playing.
I don’t even touch Eilan anymore, save for logging her in for Arena. And even then I just do it for the sake of doing it. Winning or loosing I don’t really care. I’m scared of grouping with her as I don’t really know anymore how to play her and what’s worse I don’t even care. I’m starting to think my healing days are over. Or maybe it just feels useless now. Sometimes I think about 3.0 and the raised cap and I know I will probably want Eilan to reach 60. I can paint myself playing a lot there and grouping again because I will have a goal to achieve and not like now. I want the new lvl 58 armor and of course to wear it I will have to be lvl 58 myself. Which means playing. Right now it feels really useless instead :(
Then there is my summoner which I enjoy, but I’m slacking there too, going really slow. I started the Miragent quest a month ago. That’s too much. And even with her, I don’t feel like grouping, I see her more like a solo char which means she can’t replace Eilan in the legion.
To be honest I blame the Arena for this situation. It made me hate Eilan and I loved her so much before. I started to feel useless and inadequate and the crowd of people shouting left and right how easy it is to solo pvp with a cleric for sure didn’t help. My incompetence feeling spread to the group part to the point I’m not even sure I can heal anymore. I remember just three groups made with Havoc (but I think there were more). One was SinPR in Eso, which went good. Another one was with Lore in BT where I was told I was the worst healer he ever grouped with. And the last one was another BT, where Lollipop apparently insulted me, even though I don’t know what he said. Not the greatest experiences for one who lacks confidence.
Maybe the problem is I don’t trust them enough to show them my weaknesses and go again with the trial and error process. Right now I can think of only a couple of person I would trust enough to group with, knowing that even if I do some mistake they will shout at me but understand my problems as well. And this leads me straight to another point: I was probably wrong in leaving Highlander. It wasn’t a good situation there, but at least I was still having fun and it was relaxing. I wasn’t feeling under exam the whole time. Yet, joining Havoc was a dream, for more reasons than just one. I wanted that name above my head and the feeling of being part of something big, just once. Which is the reason I still didn’t leave, as I know that once I’m out, I’m out for good, they won’t take me back. After all, why should they, I didn’t show them anything worth keeping.
There are some options I can consider:
– Stay in Havoc until they kick me out for inactivity and try and make up my mind on what to do.
– Leave Havoc and just stay solo or rejoin Highlander, knowing they will disappear once Tera or GW2 are released. But that’s true for any legion probably.
– Reset everything and level up a new toon, maybe with the wave of new players in Perento, once the game goes f2p. My ranger could be a good choice as somehow I feel her more a party char than a solo one (unlike my summoner). But then I would always have Eilan’s shadow above me.
– Finish the damn Miragent quest so Anthiah can have her armor and make her my new main, just pretending I’m the best SM in the world and I can join every group I want. I already know that wouldn’t work ^^
– Join the new server when it will open and leave Perento behind. This I’m seriously considering. It’s apparent I need something new and to find my entertainment in the game again. So why not? I can transfer all the stuff I have on my several chars to the other accounts I have and just delete everyone save Eilan, Anthiah and Amarien. I would have 5 char slots to play with on another server. I would probably play a cleric again, or maybe a chanter as they are needed in party and I would level up fast. And I would group again and enjoy it. Yes, I would meet the same problems I have with Eilan once I reached the Arena stage. But this time I would feel it differently, knowing what is in store for me, not to mention the gold package would grant me more insignas and so it would be faster, even with loosing all the matches. I think I could like leveling up from scratch, that was never a problem to me and Perento just feels suffocating right now.
Just random thoughts for now and something I need to think about. The good news is Aion is going f2p in a couple of weeks. At least if I’m not playing I can stop spending money on it. I just hope GF won’t screw up with the item shop, but I think they will put it up in the beta in the next days, so I should be able to see what they will sell.