Happy (belated) birthday Aion!

Wow, it’s been 3 years already? I can’t believe how fast time flies. And yet, Aion is 3 years old now and it’s still beautiful (with flaws, but still beautiful!)
I started playing it way before it was released in Europe. I was playing Lineage2 at the time, but to be honest I was quite bored of it, after 5 years. So, I started following Aion development and somewhere down the road, I had the opportunity to try it for free. On the chinese servers O_O
I don’t remember exactly how, but I managed to register an account and apply an English patch that would translate most of the game in english.
And when I logged in…. wow.

My first character was a female Elyos mage. She had this amazing white tunic that swayed every time she moved or cast a spell. My first thought at the time was “She looks like an angel”. And I swear, there were stars and hearts in my eyes ^^
The world was breathtaking, it was bright, full of colours, beautifully designed. I fell in love at first sight. And yes, even though now I play an Asmodian, my first love was Elysea and the traslucent flying fishes in Poeta’s lake. It looked magical to me, ethereal and pure.

The waiting between that opportunity on the Chinese servers and the European release was hard on me. I so wanted to play Aion! I was counting the days to release and when it finally happened, I was there with my boyfriend, ready to play. We always played together and after the Lineage2 experience we were determined not to repeat the same mistakes: so the first thing to do was create characters that could party together and needed for other people as well. And voilà! As per the boy-girl tradition in MMOs, he rolled a Templar and I rolled a Cleric. My dear, beloved Eilan.

I don’t remember much of my early days in Aion, to be honest. It was a blur of leveling up, getting ganked, leveling up more and enjoy the beautiful world.
At some point, we joined a legion called Cyrus. It was lively and there were some funny people in there, but after a while we realised it was a bit too much pvp focused for us. We always were the slow levelers, taking it easy, playing it as a hobby. So of course we fell behind.
At some point we quit the game but again I don’t remember why. Maybe after 5 years of Lineage2 we were tired of MMOs.
Some time later I started playing again, but this time I was alone. I joined Highlanders, an Italian legion and leveled up again. I was lvl 44 when my boyfriend asked me a certain question… and since my answer was “YES!” I had to quit the game again, this time to prepare for my wedding.
A wedding is a VERY complicated event to organize and I think I didn’t miss Aion in that period… I simply had too much to do ^^
Anyway after the wedding, I came back again… and here comes the part of the story I remember more.

You see, until going back to Aion again, my gaming was just leveling, partying and not much else, very casual. I never really bonded with anybody while I was part of Cyrus and Highlanders because nobody there was as casual as me: they were all fan of pvp or simply leveling up too fast for me. When I joined this time, I wanted to try something different.

So, one day I log in the official board and see a recruitment thread. It was advertising a legion called “The Protectors of Elysium” a legion “for mums, dads and people with lives”
And the best part of it? They were roleplayers!

I’m a roleplayer, I’ve always been one and I think I’ll be one forever. Usually I play pen & paper (and dices) with friends, but I had some experience on text roleplaying so I decided to give it a go.
I went to their forum and I wrote a novel length application which was immediately accepted.
Oh that was a wonderful period. The Protectors were fun, the chat was always alive, full of jokes, people were friendly, warm, a family. They were very casual, sometimes we just met in Sanctum or in our special place (the village below Sanctum, where we used to roleplay) and just chat for hours, or walk around showing off all our dresses. I remember a time when we started playing drums right in the Broker’s hall. At first there were 3 of us. Then people, even people we didn’t know started to join. Soon enough there were people dancing, singing, playing instruments… a big party!

A couple of months after I joined the Protectors a certain someone asked to roleplay with us, even without being part of the legion. His name was Daemion.

I remembered him from my Cyrus days although he didn’t remember me. He was a pretty good roleplayer and we accepted him gladly. He kept saying he didn’t want to leave his legion and that he just wanted to roleplay with us, but I was always pretty sure it was just a matter of time. He would have joined sooner or later. He actually did, a month later, making  all of us happy as we really liked him.
And that’s how I met (again) my dear, dear Allan.
We started playing together, at first out of frustration because our respective RP partners were too casual for us, but then we just “clicked” together, both roleplaying and as friends.
Last summer I was in the UK for a couple of weeks, and I can honestly say the best part of my holiday there was finally meeting him. Isn’t it awesome when you can finally talk with and see and hug someone you chatted with for over a year?

Since all good things sooner or later come to an end, the Protectors didn’t last long: our leader had to step down from the leadership and nobody stepped up to take over the legion. That blow was a really hard one. I remember I cried when I read about the disbanding. It was so hard for me that it made me quit Aion for some months.
I felt like I was mourning as silly as it may sound and I couldn’t look at Eilan without feeling pain. I definitely needed some time off.

I tried Rift but I didn’t like it too much, and when in June Aion reactivated all the inactive accounts as an event, I shyly logged in again, finding out I could stand playing Eilan again after the big pain for PoE disbanding. I was in a placeholder legion with Daemion at the time, until he decided he wanted to take the big step and join Havoc, the #1 pvp Legion on Perento. I stayed behind.
I never was a big pvper, I never had the gear nor the will to work for it. So he went and I stayed.
I tried to join a legion with a couple of former Protectors but in the end I left and joined back with Highlanders, my former Italian legion.

This time everything was different. Gaming wise, I think that was my best time in Aion. Highlanders was rebuilding when I joined. There were 4-5 people who logged in everyday and since they were Italian I was finally able to join TS to chat with them (chatting in English always ended up in a strong headache so I mostly avoided it).
I was the only cleric. I was taken everywhere. I helped them with heals and they helped me by teaching me how to pvp and how to get my gear. A month later I was in full 40e, socketed and +10. It truly amazed me as I was never into pvp… but I was liking every bit of it.
I stayed with them 4-5 months, helping them to rebuild, chatting with them everyday, I loved them.
Then a couple of things happened all together: an old member of Highlanders joined back and since he was a cleric and he was the General best friend, I started to party a bit less. And then I found out I had some health problems and I needed a little surgery to heal.
On top of this I really missed Daemion. Since he joined Havoc we barely talked as he was always busy with his legion.
So I made the leap: I applied for Havoc.
I’m apparently good at applications because I was accepted ^^

I was so proud of myself! It wasn’t easy at all to get into Havoc, and yet I made it. I was finally part of something big, an important legion, I was in the first one of the server!
And so another chapter begun, although it was short lived. Havoc may have been the #1 Legion in Perento, but when I joined I realised that was because of what the members did in the past. When I joined it was declining. It kept going down and down and as a reaction I went even more casual until I had to go to the hospital. Shortly after my surgery, Daemion left the legion after a heated argument and some days later I quit the game again. I simply wasn’t well enough to play, I needed a break.

My health and Daemion leaving weren’t the only reasons I quit though. I started to hate the game and I started to hate my cleric. We were in 2.7, when Arena was introduced and I kept loosing.
Yes I know: A cleric is the hardest class to beat, blablabla, he’s always winning, blablabla, etc etc. Well, I wasn’t winning at all. Sometimes my Mres set was helping against magic classes, but every physical class was simply touching me and stunning me everytime.
It was my problem of course, but the Arena was making me understand I hated 1vs1. I was a cleric, I was made to play in groups. I was made to heal groups. And I didn’t have a group to heal at the time.
I started loathing Eilan so much I couldn’t stand looking at her. So, as a reaction, I quit playing.
And this time I never went back to Eilan again.

After healing I started playing my little SM, a cute girl named Anthiah.

She was so fun!!! I always loved pets (I was playing a summoner on Lineage2) so rerolling on a SM was a natural step for me. I loved every bit of her and went through the levels like I never did with my cleric.

And then NC sold us to Gameforge. I remember raging so much on every platform I could reach since I could perfectly imagine what was in store for us.
I can now sadly confirm I was right but back then BlackVelvet managed to calm me down with her attitude, her will to answer our questions, her promises we would be fine.
I’m sure she meant every word as she’s a dear girl but sadly things didn’t turn out that well.

When Gameforge took over Aion I decided (as many others did) to give the new server a try. I was sick of Eilan, Daemion wasn’t playing Aion anymore, I needed something new to keep me in the game, so I went to Nexus.
This time I went Asmodian but it was a very short lived try!
After some thoughts I had to admit it with myself: I simply wasn’t interested in Aion anymore. I loved it, I laughed and cried and found a great friend, but it was over for me.

Since I’m writing this essay (!!!) now, that means I came back playing though… How did it happen? Sheer chance.
One day I logged into Highlanders TS to say hi and a legion member told me he and another one were trying Anuhart out, “to chill”. He invited me to play with them sometimes and I said “why not?”.
I was back into the tunnel, just like that :P

It was another Asmodian, a lovely SM named Miritas.

Isn’t she damn sexy? Too bad the mount was on loan from the shugo. But one day I’ll have it! :D
Of course the “chilling” turned out to be a reroll. And we joined an Italian legion called “Anime Nere” which can be translated as “Dark Souls”. It’s the legion I’m in right now.
I met a new friend there, a girl which is now very dear to me. We usually spend half the morning talking through skype!

I think I made peace with Aion when I went to Anuhart. I went casual again. I admitted with myself I enjoy PvE much more than I enjoy PvP. After that I never went pvping again and I don’t miss it in the slightest. I stopped leveling my SM at 56, seeing no reasons to level further for now. I simply have no urge to do so.

A week ago I decided I wanted to leave the Studio and have a proper home. The problem is I don’t like how Houses look! My favourite building was always the Mansion, but I had no money for it. I found a Fine Mana Serum design, bought it for 25 mil and started crafting. Anuhart is a new server… can you believe I can sell those serums at 14k each? In a week I had like 160 mil, just out of selling serums.
I already knew which Mansion I wanted and it was on Auction last week. I gathered my courage and pressed the Bid button. 112 mil disappeared just like that. I spent the rest of the week anxiously looking for an ingame mail: that would mean someone else bid higher than me.
The Auction was ending on sunday, at midday. I remember counting down the seconds like on New Year’s Eve ^^
And then…. it was mine!

My house! My preciouuuuuus.
How can you not love it when, walking outside you see this?

So, this is it for now. I think me and Aion went through a lot this past 3 years. I loved it and then I hated it. I quit and then I came back. There is something in this game that just keep drawing me in.
I wish I knew what it is. Right now I have my Mansion, I plan to level up my Construction craft to furnish it, since it’s pretty empty right now but I don’t plan to level, I’m content just staying where I am, taking it slowly, making kinah and using it to have fun.
And in the spare time, when I want some action, I log my little Eilantha (since Eilan was already taken), a char I created on the Israphel server.
Why NA?
Because I don’t like GF. I don’t mean to blame anyone, but they handled the game in a way I really don’t like. They promised us lots of things and kept too few of them. They promised us the Gold Pack system was necessary to avoid putting p2w items in the cash shop and yet we have them. Well, they aren’t p2w in their mind, but they are in mine.
NA is pay to win as well. They have lots of stuff I don’t like. But at least I don’t need to pay a Gold Pack there and they have events I like. And the fast Track Server *_* (Yes! I’m a PvE queen! :D)

So… yes, it looks like I can’t stay away from Aion too much before missing it and trying to find new ways to enjoy it.
Maybe it’s because of those many memories. Maybe it’s because I remember Sitarih and her whip. Or Shinlore and his badass look. Or our beloved Protector’s Village, right under Sanctum, where my Eilan lived doing her best to protect Elysea.
Maybe it’s because of Devilinside’s kindness, his wise words, his complete understanding, his helping me in anything I needed.
Maybe it’s because playing Aion reminds me of Daemion.

Happy Birthday Aion. Thank you for every emotion you gifted me in these 3 years!


Long Time.

Wow, it’s been so long. I didn’t actually realize how long it was since I last came here.

First of all, I have to laugh. The amount of spam comments I read in my dahsboard is hilarious as it’s their content. They managed to comment on my R rated fic saying stuff like “wow, such an informative website!” Well thank you! I didn’t know a fiction about a love/hate rape could be that informative :P

What happened to me in all these months?
Well, first of all, I’m finally healed. Yesterday it was a big day for me, when I finally found out my body is working again. I swear, I’ve never been so happy because of this reason. Since my surgery in november, I always feared something was wrong somewhere… now I know at least half of the problem is gone. For the other half I’ll have to wait till november, but hey, I’m already hugely relieved like this, I even cried yesterday when I could finally relax after all those months. Wonderful, wonderful feeling.

What else? Concerning Aion I made some huge changes. I left Havoc some days after Daemion left and I think I quit for some time. With him quitting, I really didn’t have any more reasons to play. When the game went free to play, I gave it another shot but I changed side trying an Asmodian on Nexus, the new server.
I didn’t like the environment though, or maybe it was just the fact that I still was on my old account… Knowing I just needed to change server to look at Eilan again was too much maybe. I think I came to hate her, poor baby, she reminded me of wonderful times that were now gone and mistakes and everything else I had done in these years.

I quit again, going to play Assassin’s Creed for a while. Wow, what a game! I absolutely loved it. I played 1 and then 2 one after the other, then I took a break and looked at Aion again.
This time I really changed everything. I resurrected my old Asmodian account where I had a Perento Asmodian and started playing again. No money, no equip, I started absolutely from scratch. And I loved it.
I’m still playing now and my new little Cleric just leveled to 46. I even found myself a nice legion, but it fell apart shortly after and even though I’m still under its crest, it’s pretty dead there. I don’t really care tbh as I’m mainly playing for myself so the silent chat doesn’t bother me. When 3.0 finally comes around I’ll see what to do, but for now I’m happy like this.
What really bothered me was my legion leader. I was maybe a bit too friendly with him and making him understand that I didn’t want it to happen anymore was a real challenge. Sometimes men can be really stubborn… why “no” must mean “Yes” or “I don’t want anymore” must turn into a “well, for now I don’t want to, but I’ll change my mind later” ?
It doesn’t sound that hard to me.
I really hope he got the hint now though. I’d hate to repeat myself for the third time.

As for the rest… I think I’ll leave in a couple of months. My big february depression turned into a sort of plan in these months, something I’ll try to pursue.
There is no future for me here, there will never be. If I want to do something for myself, I have to do it somewhere else. So, why not? My husband is helping me in this, he’s actually pushing for me to do it… and I think I will. Who knows what will come out of this, but one thing is sure: I’ll never know until I try!

Another thing: I need to go back writing. My head is literally exploding lately but it’s like the words are trapped into my fingers. I think that if I managed to write even one word, they would flow like a river and I wouldn’t stop anymore. I just need to find the will to write that first word. I have ideas. I have ides about my old fanfic, I have ideas for my Aion characters and even for two of my most beloved characters in all my roleplaying life.
They are all here, in my head. I just need to get them out, to set them free.
Somehow I have the feeling that when I let loose my mind again… I will feel free as well.

To Aion or not to Aion…

Well, today something happened and I can’t say I was waiting for it, but I knew it was around the corner, sooner or later. My friend had a bad argument inside the legion and left it. I’m not going to debate whether he was right or not because as usual truth is in the middle… but of course him leaving made me think.
I joined Havoc to stay with him and I worked hard to get in there. And yet, since I joined my activity drastically dropped. I had my surgery in November and since then I never fully recovered. Be it the medicine, be it the hospital experience, or the tiredness that followed the surgery… I don’t know. Fact is I almost never grouped with my new legion mates, I almost never joined their Ventrilo, I almost never did anything with them. They are fun guys and I like the legion chat as it usually manages to make me smile and laugh but somehow I don’t feel that “pull” with them. I never felt at home with Havoc, not like I was feeling at home with Highlander, even after Benedict rejoined and I was suddenly the second choice. Maybe it’s the language, maybe it’s the fact I was always on TS with Highlander. I stopped because I was annoying my husband with my endless talking and I miss that.
And now my main reason for being in Havoc is gone.
So what to do now? My first istinct was “ok this is it. Time to quit.” but I already made that mistake once when PoE disbanded and I learnt from that. Going with the flow just leads to mistakes and this time I want to cool down and think.
Of course the main problem is my activity level. Do I still like playing? Am I tired of Aion? Can be. I played Assassin’s Creed a lot lately and when I turn to single players it usually mean I’m tired of the MMO I’m playing.

I don’t even touch Eilan anymore, save for logging her in for Arena. And even then I just do it for the sake of doing it. Winning or loosing I don’t really care. I’m scared of grouping with her as I don’t really know anymore how to play her and what’s worse I don’t even care. I’m starting to think my healing days are over. Or maybe it just feels useless now. Sometimes I think about 3.0 and the raised cap and I know I will probably want Eilan to reach 60. I can paint myself playing a lot there and grouping again because I will have a goal to achieve and not like now. I want the new lvl 58 armor and of course to wear it I will have to be lvl 58 myself. Which means playing. Right now it feels really useless instead :(

Then there is my summoner which I enjoy, but I’m slacking there too, going really slow. I started the Miragent quest a month ago. That’s too much. And even with her, I don’t feel like grouping, I see her more like a solo char which means she can’t replace Eilan in the legion.

To be honest I blame the Arena for this situation. It made me hate Eilan and I loved her so much before. I started to feel useless and inadequate and the crowd of people shouting left and right how easy it is to solo pvp with a cleric for sure didn’t help. My incompetence feeling spread to the group part to the point I’m not even sure I can heal anymore. I remember just three groups made with Havoc (but I think there were more). One was SinPR in Eso, which went good. Another one was with Lore in BT where I was told I was the worst healer he ever grouped with. And the last one was another BT, where Lollipop apparently insulted me, even though I don’t know what he said. Not the greatest experiences for one who lacks confidence.
Maybe the problem is I don’t trust them enough to show them my weaknesses and go again with the trial and error process. Right now I can think of only a couple of person I would trust enough to group with, knowing that even if I do some mistake they will shout at me but understand my problems as well. And this leads me straight to another point: I was probably wrong in leaving Highlander. It wasn’t a good situation there, but at least I was still having fun and it was relaxing. I wasn’t feeling under exam the whole time. Yet, joining Havoc was a dream, for more reasons than just one. I wanted that name above my head and the feeling of being part of something big, just once. Which is the reason I still didn’t leave, as I know that once I’m out, I’m out for good, they won’t take me back. After all, why should they, I didn’t show them anything worth keeping.

There are some options I can consider:
– Stay in Havoc until they kick me out for inactivity and try and make up my mind on what to do.
– Leave Havoc and just stay solo or rejoin Highlander, knowing they will disappear once Tera or GW2 are released. But that’s true for any legion probably.
– Reset everything and level up a new toon, maybe with the wave of new players in Perento, once the game goes f2p. My ranger could be a good choice as somehow I feel her more a party char than a solo one (unlike my summoner). But then I would always have Eilan’s shadow above me.
– Finish the damn Miragent quest so Anthiah can have her armor and make her my new main, just pretending I’m the best SM in the world and I can join every group I want. I already know that wouldn’t work ^^
– Join the new server when it will open and leave Perento behind. This I’m seriously considering. It’s apparent I need something new and to find my entertainment in the game again. So why not? I can transfer all the stuff I have on my several chars to the other accounts I have and just delete everyone save Eilan, Anthiah and Amarien. I would have 5 char slots to play with on another server. I would probably play a cleric again, or maybe a chanter as they are needed in party and I would level up fast. And I would group again and enjoy it. Yes, I would meet the same problems I have with Eilan once I reached the Arena stage. But this time I would feel it differently, knowing what is in store for me, not to mention the gold package would grant me more insignas and so it would be faster, even with loosing all the matches. I think I could like leveling up from scratch, that was never a problem to me and Perento just feels suffocating right now.

Just random thoughts for now and something I need to think about. The good news is Aion is going f2p in a couple of weeks. At least if I’m not playing I can stop spending money on it. I just hope GF won’t screw up with the item shop, but I think they will put it up in the beta in the next days, so I should be able to see what they will sell.

New Year: stuff to do

Well, I have lots to write and lots of ideas in my mind… but I don’t really have the time lately so this will be a flash post. Longer ones will come later.
It’s the end of the year and like every year you look back to what you’ve done. I can honestly say this year sucked! It was horrible on so many levels. A new one is coming now. I hope it will be better.

Stuff to do in my RL:
– get serious about writing. I know I can do it, I have the skills for it. I can’t find a job? I have to use the extra time to do something useful then.
– Try again and learn Korean. That language absolutely fascinates me. I blame the korean dramas for that!
– Try and be a better wife. I still have so much to work on… I want to make my husband happy and he’s not right now. That saddens me.
– Get back in track. I’m still suffering from the consequences of my surgery. I’m always tired, depressed, unwilling to do /anything/. I feel like a zombie, I have no more interest in anything, be it doing my stuff at home, or reading, or playing. If this is what that fucking medicine is doing to me, then I think I will be a really sad old woman, when the time comes for real.

Stuff to do in Aion:
– try to get the passion back. Right now I’m only playing because of one person and it’s really getting boring. Still I don’t want to quit till he plays.
– Remember to do my daily stuff with both my chars. Time consuming, but in the long run it pays off.
– Try and group with legion more. They are fun guys, but for most part I don’t even know them. And they don’t know me. Sometimes I really miss my old legion and think leaving it was a mistake. Then I remember why I shifted and I take my fingers far from the “leave legion” button.
– remember it’s just a game. It’s supposed to be fun. The moment it’s really not anymore and no matter what I do I find it boring, then it’s time to quit and not look back again.


There I said it. I’m rerolling my cleric on Aion.

Yesterday something happened and I was so enraged by it that I was tired for the entire day. I was on Eilan, doing my arena matches and I met this sorceror who ripped me apart. Ok he had a +10 eternal tome and was generally good equipped, so I wasn’t expecting to win to start with. But the thing that really made me furious was that I never resisted one of his spells. And he had 1700 MA, while I had 2120 MRes.
Ok, it’s all about %, probability etc. But not one single time? One?
Every silence he threw at me landed. Ever spell landed. Without supplication of focus or whatever the sorcerors use to up their MA.
I was really angry. Not at loosing but at loosing that way.
Every match I ever did in arena, was like: is the opponent my level, my equip or better, no matter the class? I’m dead.
Is the opponent lower than me or worse geared? I may win. May. No guaranteed.
I was trying to be positive, telling myself that once past 2000 Mres things would be easier. That’s not the case.

I’m toying with the idea of really rerolling since a while, but that was the last drop.
I’m forced to socket Mres while I would personally go for HP because the game forces me to, otherwise I’m dead meat. Last event helped in that sense as I have a good stash of manastones now, but before that? Is it fair that I had to spend more than 2 mil for a manastone while other people were just spending 300-400-800k?
Is it fair that I don’t have any skill to raise my Mres while other people can raise their stats? I can raise my concentration. Oooooh, really useful while I’m stunned.

Sorcs can sleep, root, silence.
SMs… let’s not even start.
Rangers stun and silence. And stun. And Stun. Everytime they crit.
Glads stumble, stun.
Chanters stun and throw you on the ground.
Sins stun.
Templars pull, stun.

And what else? I don’t even go look at their skills.
The problem is that it’s not 1 skill they have with the same effect. Either I’m permastunned, or I’m permasilenced, or I’m permafeared. Excuse me if I’m a bit tired of this.
Wait till I have better equip? Bullshit.
When I have better equip, so will my opponents because, guess what, they win more matches than me, so their progress is faster. I’m forever behind.

So yes, I’m tired. Tired of being forced to keep my dps stigma tree on because it’s the only way I can fight in Arena, tired of endlessly loosing unless my opponent is afk and tired of wasting consumables on useless fights (since I loose anyway).
Most of all, I’m tired of getting angry about it. I don’t need this right now.

Rerolling is a nice way to consider Eilan the B char, the one I don’t care about if she wins or looses. I can just be patient and wait till I have my equip, knowing that I only want it to group (something I don’t do right now because of the stupid stigma tree.)

I don’t think I will own anything or anyone with Anthiah. It will be just as frustrating because I will have to equip her, socket her, face people stronger than me. But at least I will have a character that can do more than stay there and wait to see if Lady Luck is on her side or not.
She’s already on the good path, char developing wise. I started leveling her Aethertapping and expanded her inventory, something that makes her feel more like a real character and not just an alt for fun. I’m not afraid of starting again, since I still have Eilan to go back to, if I need. And I’m not even feeling guilty for the legion, since SM is a missing class.

I’m just tired. I don’t want to get angry anymore and I know I will, if I keep playing Eilan. I’m not enjoying her now and this needs to stop or I’ll just quit again.

L2 will also help me chill out a bit, since it was my first love and always will be. I plan to spend lots of time there and enjoy it.

So yes. Rerolling. Fuck you Aion for making me do this.

EDIT: today I played 6 arena tickets. 1 person didn’t show up, so I got 50 insigna. 1 other was a cleric and I won by points.
Then there was: 1 templar with Master Carved weapon +6. He like… 5 shotted me, keeping me stunned.
Then 1 ranger, +10 bow. Permastunned me again. He was kind enough to let me kill him once, so I could go on with the Arena quest.
Then 1 chanter. Almost permastun again.
Last one was another cleric and I lost by points.

As I said on twitter, my decision to reroll never looked so right. Anyway, 162 insigna missing for the gloves. 5 days more.

Two weeks later

Let’s start with a personal note: lately I’ve been trying very hard not to think. November 23rd is near and if I stop thinking about that, about all the risks, about what could happen to me if something goes wrong, I’ll go crazy. I’m frankly terrified. I can’t sleep anymore, I’m having nightmares every night and that is affecting my every day life to the point that I’ve been staying home from work the last 2 days because I was so tired I couldn’t even stand from my chair.
So… no thinking. I’m putting my life on hold until the storm has passed. Of course I have to keep myself busy with something to keep my mind clear, so in between my house chores I’m playing Aion a lot. It helps distracting me and it keeps me focused on something that’s not what will happen in 20 days.

I like my new legion, even though it’s a bit different from what I thought. I was honestly doing more pvp with Highlander then what I’m doing now with Havoc to the point that I feel really stupid for having waited that long and worried that much about making a good impression. I could have applied at least a month ago and I would have been accepted anyway. Oh well.
They are good guys and I finally see a bit of action in legion chat, it was always silent in Highlander. Since I like chatting, I miss that when I can’t be online and lately I’m not online much, because I’m exping what will probably become my new main.
I still love Eilan, but all I’m doing with her lately on a daily basis is the solo instances. Then there is the Padma raid once a week and the slaughter in Arena. Yes, the slaughter.
Oh, I raged a lot about that damn Arena… all I’m doing it for is the EC armor, because I find it really ridicolous. Probably because I’m loosing all the time.
Tbh, it’s not the Arena’s fault… it’s the game mechanic and the class balance. Which doesn’t exist.
I can accept to be killed by equal level people, better geared than me (that’s not hard at all), but when I meet poorly geared people and I find myself constantly paralyzed/stunned/silenced/feared/thrown on the ground, without even landing one skill, that’s when I get angry.
It’s my fault too of course, my gear is outdated and so I’m an easy prey, but I really find it hard to think that when I have the eternal armor things are going to magically change.
Then there are the 3.0 notes… which, more than ever, stress NCSoft view about clerics: party characters and nothing more.
Well, alright, I told myself, it’s no use beating a dead horse. So I simply put Eilan on hold, doing my daily stuff, trying to do my best in Arena, knowing I’ll be slaughtered anyway, and in the meanwhile exping a new char. I chose a Spiritmaster.
You might think that I chose that class because I raged so much about Fear and I want to jump on the winning wagon, but to be honest it’s not that. I had a summoner in Lineage2 too and I loved the class, the pet, the playstyle. It’s not new to me, I played my Miritas for more than half of my Lineage2 time… and to play solo, I know it’s the best. I read about the upcoming nerf, the fear that won’t work that good in pvp, the new magic block stat, but I don’t care, I love my Spiritmaster and to be honest, I know and use her better at lvl 33 than my Eilan at lvl 55.
My sweet Eilan isn’t made to kill people, I truly don’t like it when I’m in full dps spec in Arena, and that’s probably why I don’t win: I do it out of duty, not out of real interest, I don’t even want to get better in the 1vs1 department. I want to get better in the group vs group one, and that’s why I’m working for my new armor, so I can be less of liability and more support. I’m seriously thinking about going in Arena with my full healing spec and just go afk for the time being. At least I would spend less in stigma for the constant changing. But then again, I’m not good in just being mangled without trying to defend myself ^^
I actually wonder if a full block set or a full hp one (aside the MR one which I need, no doubt there), would do me any good… but with the current MR stone price I think I will be able to afford one when the sun will rise in the west :P
That’s another thing I find ridicolous… spending billions of kinah to resist skills that will get through anyway because the enemy slot the opposite manastone. Hello, Moonlight hit me for 5k damage when I had 1300 mres in my pve set… I was like O__O
Not to talk about magic chars, who can simply CC me to death and dance on my grave without me being able to land a heal on myself. Oh, did I mention that you can’t heal AND dps in the same time? I thought I didn’t :P
Ranting, ranting… my baby Eilan is made to stay in group with big guys and not all alone ^^

Anthiah on the other hand… I love her! The amount of things she can do is simply amazing. Today I escaped barely bruised a 3 mob gank, something that would have left Eilan almost dead (I’m talking about same level mobs) and even killed alone my first elite mob. I was so proud of my little summoner ^^
I’m trying to exp her fast because I miss the legion chat… she now misses 7 levels before she can go in. Can’t wait.

About the legion I’m a bit concerned, to be honest. From my point of view, it’s not going well. Since I joined, 2 people ragequitted (1 was invited back) and 2 quit the game, one of which was the previous legion leader. As for gaming, either they are doing all their parties while I’m out at work or sleeping, or there is really poor action there, not to talk about the pvp which is almost non-existent. And they are the 1st ranked pvp legion, although I really think they keep the trophy just because of previous achievements, and not because of what they are doing now. New MMO are coming out in a few and I fear they will steal a lot of players, to the point that I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the legion died. I just see a lot of boredom now. It’s really a pity considering what Havoc was… but then again, I’m in since barely 15 days, so things can change.
Wanting to laugh about it, I can say it’s my curse… since my main legion in Lineage2 died, every legion I joined afterward was dead in less than 2 months. In Aion the only one that died was PoE (and hey, I joined in november and it died when, in february?), but I quit Cyrus and Highlander on my own will, rather staying till the end, so they don’t count. So… will Havoc be the next victim? Because I’m not leaving :P

A new adventure

[Aion diary]

It all starts back when I was playing Lineage2. It was a very hardcore game, open world, you could pvp everywhere, with everyone, with or without their consent. Hardcore gamers, the pvpers, got together in very powerful clans and decided who could exp where and who was to be targeted by their whole clan until he quit. Yes, they did it several times.
While playing in Lineage2, I never met a pvper that didn’t look down on me, made fun of me and treated me like I was incredibly stupid because I was playing pve. Like I was doing something wrong.

So, when I started thinking about joining Havoc, I was full of prejudices, based on 5 years of stupid, conceited players and I was very cautious.
As much as I cared for Daemion, I wasn’t willing to walk in this blindly, so while I was working on my char, I did my homeworks in another direction too, trying to understand something more of the Havoc people. I coulnd’t ask Daemion, aside from some very vague question, because I didn’t want him to know I was working towards that goal: I didn’t know if he wanted me to, I didn’t know if I could do it and I just wanted to keep quiet about it until I made up my mind.
The only tool I had was Havoc forum, their recruitment section. I started reading that when Daemion applied and I never stopped, looking at everyone they accepted or rejected and why, trying to understand their mindset. Sometimes I didn’t like their answers, sometimes I thought they were pretty cruel, sometimes I agreed with them.
The thing I was looking for was a sign of elitism, something I hated in Lineage2, and I must admit that Havoc requirement of 1500 kills to apply had all my distaste. It was something Elitist clans were looking for in L2 too, and it really made me laugh when one day I walked into one of the newbie towns to find some of the most known pvpers of the server killing lvl 1 alts to increase their kill counts (and brag about it later).
Kill count became a joke after that for me, something to not take into account at all, because it could be faked, either by killing low level alts, or (in Aion) by going into sieges or just having an opposite faction friend.

Then I joined a couple of Havoc parties and one day I logged into their Ventrilo, finding it a peaceful, fun place to be. Hearing their voices while we were playing was good, because they were calm, never shouting, never talking over one another.
I was pleased to have some of my prejudice shaken, it was what I was hoping for.
My main concern was still their requirements, but I noticed that when they turned down someone it was almost always first because of poor gear (something I can understand from a pvp legion. You just need the gear.), and only after because of his kill count.
Then I met a certain Havoc cleric, and was pretty disgusted. She was coming from Spatalos, she was used to be the queen of the server and she wasn’t willing to step down her throne to start all over in Perento. We argued, and since I hate having a quarrel with anyone, in the end we managed to talk it through. She was all I hated in a pvp player and it irritated me that they had welcomed her with open arms based on statistics and not on her real character. When she went back to Spatalos, I lol’ed, I knew she would have.
After that the temptation to go back to my prejudices was strong but I set them aside, keeping reading their forum, keeping forming my own idea of them.

Time passed, I kept working on Eilan and in the end, when Daemion told me to focus on the market for a while, I reluctantly agreed. As I said I couldn’t risk a denial, I needed to make sure I would get in.
Three days ago I saw one of Havoc recruiting in lfg and Daemion talked me into trying, reversing his previous statement. It took me completely by surprise. I was a scared bundle of nerves. I mean, ok, it was my occasion, but I wasn’t ready. My jewels weren’t complete, I still lacked a pvp shield, my gloves weren’t enchanted. My pvp count was 850. Worst of all, I needed to talk to my legion leader about that, before applying, it was a matter of honesty and loyalty.

It was painful, god it was. I joined Highlander when there were 5 active people. We could barely complete a party. They counted on me, helped me equip, taught me all that I know about pvp. We bonded, I helped them get back on track and they helped me in return, giving me friendship and making me feel less lonely now that I wasn’t in legion with Daemion anymore. Yes, damn it, it was important for me. Just a chat, he was a /w away, and yet it wasn’t enough. I missed him and sometimes I hated him because I had to work so damn hard to try and reach him while he wasn’t showing the least interest in it. I can’t count the times I almost gave up and yet when the occasion came, I hesitated.
I felt so guilty to chase my “dream” leaving the people who helped me behind, and the worst part was when I was told “I counted on you”. I almost gave up again there. I felt like the most horrible betrayer in the world.

I worked hard on my application. Reading their forum for months was helpful as I perfectly knew what they were looking for when a new person applied. Yes, I’m a scheming bitch, but I was determined to get in: I made it as complete as possible, trying to make them see my attitude and not just my gear, trying to make them understand how much I wanted to get in. It worked. Maybe it was that they needed active clerics, I don’t know, but my low kill count was completely overlooked in favour of my character. The pvp armor I worked so hard on was accepted and even my other weak point (the jewelry) was discarded.
I was pleased to see I wasn’t wrong in my opinion of them, and more than a bit surprised on the amount of “nice person” I got.

It took them three days to accept me, and tbh I died inside a bit more at each one of them. After the first one I was already pretty sure I would get in and this was making things worse with my mates in Highlanders. Apart from Devil and Estia, nobody knew I was going away. I dreaded the moment I would have to tell them and yet I needed to. It was killing me to hide it from them, I’m a loyal person and I was feeling so guilty that I could barely talk to them.
Tonight I was determined to leave, to tell them, even if I didn’t get my approval yet. I just couldn’t bear it anymore, I needed to let it out in the open. And, lucky me, Daemion was there to help me, speeding things up. I hope the Havoc leader wasn’t pissed off by this, but when he told me I was in, I really breathed in relief because it was finally over.

Telling my mates was hard. Sachiel helped me there, trying to make them understand I was always available and that I would keep on going into their TS to have fun together. And yet more than one person asked me “but if you want so much to be with Daemion, why don’t you ask him to come here?”. That moved me, their tries to keep me there with them. Pushing the leaving button, I wasn’t crying but I was near to it.

And then… new legion. New people. I hope I’ll get adjusted soon. I took a screenshot of the invite window, to eternal memory. I mean, me, the pve cleric, the always mocked one in L2, being invited to the n.1 pvp legion in the server? It was like a dream. I kept thanking them all, and looking at Daemion’s green name in my same chat… it made me feel it was worth it.

It took me 4 months, but I’m in. I made it with my own strenght, without relying on anybody’s connections to just let me slip in, as I was suggested once. I applied, I got my fair share of positive votes from people who didn’t know me before and I got in. Looking at that Havoc tag above my precious Eilan’s head, I can finally leave behind the pain I felt when PoE disbanded. I’m with Daemion again and I made it with my hard work. I can be proud of myself.