Qualcosa che non c’è (something that isn’t there)

Tutto questo tempo a chiedermi                            All this time asking myself
Cos’è che non mi lascia in pace                            What is that, that doesn’t leave me alone
Tutti questi anni a chiedermi                                  All these years asking myself
Se vado veramente bene                                       If I’m really doing well
Così                                                                        Like this
Come sono                                                             As I am
Così                                                                        Like this

Così un giorno                                                         So one day
Ho scritto sul quaderno                                           I wrote in my notebook
Io farò sognare il mondo con la musica                  I’ll make the world dream with my music
Non molto tempo                                                     After not too much time
dopo quando mi bastava                                         I just had to
Fare un salto per                                                     Jump and
Raggiungere la felicità                                             Achieve happiness
E la verità è che                                                       And the truth is that

Ho aspettato a lungo                                         I have waited for so long
Qualcosa che non c’è                                       For something that doesn’t exist (isn’t there)
Invece di guardare il sole sorgere                     Instead of looking at the rising sun

[…]

E miracolosamente non                                        And miraculously
Ho smesso di sognare                                          I didn’t stop dreaming
E miracolosamente                                               And miraculously
Non riesco a non sperare                                      I can’t stop hoping

E se c’è un segreto                                              And if there’s a secret is
E’ fare tutto come                                                 to do all that you have to do
Se vedessi solo il sole                                         like you could only see the sun

[…]

E non                                                                  And not
Qualcosa che non c’è                                        Something that doesn’t exist (isn’t there)

**********************************************************************************************

So… this is a song, by an Italian artist. Her name is Elisa.

I never listened to this song so much or so carefully as in the last few days.
Why?
Because it tells how I feel in a way I almost never realised myself.
I spent many years wondering if what I was doing was right, if I was good enough, if I wasn’t making mistakes somewhere, why was I always unhappy and unsatisfied. Was it me? Was it something else? Why couldn’t I be satisfied, smiling, happy with my life? What was wrong?
I thought about this for a long time, over months and months of depression. And in the end, I came to a conclusion: I wasn’t satisfied with my life because in my opinion it wasn’t enough. I was married, I was on my way to start a family, but that wasn’t enough. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I couldn’t see myself as a single person, but just as a half of a whole.

So… well, I didn’t really wrote anything in my notebook, but I made some big changes anyway. In an attempt to find out who I really was, I decided to change everything.
I changed country, flying to England. I always wanted to visit England. I grew up with Jane Austen’s books and I spent my youth dreaming about country side and courtesy… and something typically British, which I don’t even know how to explain.
Maybe it’s the traffic light, where you can see the yellow light before the green one. Maybe it’s the people thanking the driver when they leave the bus. Maybe it’s the extreme attention to the environment or the general rules. Maybe it’s all the people saying “sorry” if they even look at you when you’re walking.
I just know that I always wanted to live in England, to leave the Italian chaos behind me.

And I did.
I prepared everything. I found a room to stay in for a month and I prepared to find myself a job there.
And then… everything came crushing down.

The room I found turned up to be a hole, in a horrible neighbourhood where I wouldn’t have dared to show my face around after 4pm. I tried to find something else, but I couldn’t.
My friend Allan, the main reason I chose this part of England, had to leave me alone due to the weather not allowing him to move around with his bike. And today, when we were able to meet, he had to stay home because he’s ill.

So I’m here in my hotel room, and I’m crying because I feel homesick and alone. And I wonder, again: is it me? Is it something I did? Is it my fault? Or I’m looking for something that just doesn’t exist? I’m looking at an external solution while I should just focus on what I have, on what I could have in the future? Am I forgetting to look at the rising sun because I’m too busy looking at the darkness, at something that isn’t there?
I know what my rising sun is, I know what I could strive for. I’m starting to believe I just need to accept it, to accept this is what life can give me.
I tried to get something else, something that probably isn’t there and never will be and I went through an incredible list of stuff that went wrong.
Maybe I should really start looking at my rising sun, bask in its light and be happy.
When I close my eyes and I see my sun, when I forget about everything else, then I just see the light and the warmth.
Maybe Elisa is right. The secret could be pretending to just see the light, everywhere I go, everything I do. Or maybe, not pretending: making so that you just see the light because when you can see the light anywhere you go, then nothing can go wrong. You always know what you need to do and you’re not scared anymore.
I wish I could do it as well.

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