Long Time.

Wow, it’s been so long. I didn’t actually realize how long it was since I last came here.

First of all, I have to laugh. The amount of spam comments I read in my dahsboard is hilarious as it’s their content. They managed to comment on my R rated fic saying stuff like “wow, such an informative website!” Well thank you! I didn’t know a fiction about a love/hate rape could be that informative :P

What happened to me in all these months?
Well, first of all, I’m finally healed. Yesterday it was a big day for me, when I finally found out my body is working again. I swear, I’ve never been so happy because of this reason. Since my surgery in november, I always feared something was wrong somewhere… now I know at least half of the problem is gone. For the other half I’ll have to wait till november, but hey, I’m already hugely relieved like this, I even cried yesterday when I could finally relax after all those months. Wonderful, wonderful feeling.

What else? Concerning Aion I made some huge changes. I left Havoc some days after Daemion left and I think I quit for some time. With him quitting, I really didn’t have any more reasons to play. When the game went free to play, I gave it another shot but I changed side trying an Asmodian on Nexus, the new server.
I didn’t like the environment though, or maybe it was just the fact that I still was on my old account… Knowing I just needed to change server to look at Eilan again was too much maybe. I think I came to hate her, poor baby, she reminded me of wonderful times that were now gone and mistakes and everything else I had done in these years.

I quit again, going to play Assassin’s Creed for a while. Wow, what a game! I absolutely loved it. I played 1 and then 2 one after the other, then I took a break and looked at Aion again.
This time I really changed everything. I resurrected my old Asmodian account where I had a Perento Asmodian and started playing again. No money, no equip, I started absolutely from scratch. And I loved it.
I’m still playing now and my new little Cleric just leveled to 46. I even found myself a nice legion, but it fell apart shortly after and even though I’m still under its crest, it’s pretty dead there. I don’t really care tbh as I’m mainly playing for myself so the silent chat doesn’t bother me. When 3.0 finally comes around I’ll see what to do, but for now I’m happy like this.
What really bothered me was my legion leader. I was maybe a bit too friendly with him and making him understand that I didn’t want it to happen anymore was a real challenge. Sometimes men can be really stubborn… why “no” must mean “Yes” or “I don’t want anymore” must turn into a “well, for now I don’t want to, but I’ll change my mind later” ?
It doesn’t sound that hard to me.
I really hope he got the hint now though. I’d hate to repeat myself for the third time.

As for the rest… I think I’ll leave in a couple of months. My big february depression turned into a sort of plan in these months, something I’ll try to pursue.
There is no future for me here, there will never be. If I want to do something for myself, I have to do it somewhere else. So, why not? My husband is helping me in this, he’s actually pushing for me to do it… and I think I will. Who knows what will come out of this, but one thing is sure: I’ll never know until I try!

Another thing: I need to go back writing. My head is literally exploding lately but it’s like the words are trapped into my fingers. I think that if I managed to write even one word, they would flow like a river and I wouldn’t stop anymore. I just need to find the will to write that first word. I have ideas. I have ides about my old fanfic, I have ideas for my Aion characters and even for two of my most beloved characters in all my roleplaying life.
They are all here, in my head. I just need to get them out, to set them free.
Somehow I have the feeling that when I let loose my mind again… I will feel free as well.

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