I’m writing this from my bed, after just sleeping four hours tonight due to continued waking up. I just need to get this out of my system so I can try to sleep again.
I think I just had an epiphany and I really hope it’s the right way to write it because I cba to check the dictionary now.
I’m completely unable to be selfish. Whenever someone else is involved with me, I suddenly start thinking “we” instead of “I”. It can be a friend, a colleague, my husband, someone I just met or, as I found out when I first entered the internet world, someone I never met. My husband calls them “a bunch of pixels” and he’s not that wrong; sometimes they are a voice as well, or a photo, but most frequently they are just pixels on my monitor, in the game I play or in my chat windows.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. No matter who they are, my mind start thinking about them and stops thinking about me to the point I feel guilty and dirty when doing something for just myself. When that happens I suddenly panic and try to include others in what I’m doing, fearing they might feel deserted while they probably just don’t give a damn about me or they think I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I just have this feeling that I worry about others too much and I don’t worry about myself enough.
Shouldn’t it be the other way round?
The consequence is I am often disappointed because I expect others to behave in the same way, which of course they don’t. And tbh why should they? Everybody has just one life and must live it and be happy. And we can’t be happy while constantly worrying about others. A bit of selfishness is needed. I guess I just need to learn how because so far I’m always on the screwed up side. I tried to think about how many people I worried about through the years and what I got on return and I must say I often was the one doing the sacrifices and I was almost never the one awarded for them. Or the one on the receiving end of a sacrifice or just simple consideration.
This needs to change. I need to stop constantly worrying about others and I need to stop expecting others doing the same with me because, with very few exceptions, this just leads to disappointment. I’m a bit tired. I suppose nobody will blame me if I’m a bit selfish once in a while right?
So much for already being 35. Shouldn’t I be a bit more experienced than this??? Life, you tricked me.
And now I’ll go back to sleep.