When you feel trapped.

Today was the worst day I spent in a good while.
I had a nervous breakdown complete with tears and negative thoughts. I don’t know if it’s a consequence of the medicine, but if it was I’m happy this is my last month on it.

You see, I’m 35 already. I’m unemployed and I have no chances of getting a job. Why? Because this is the way Italy works. This is simply how it is. All your life is decided in the ten years going from when you’re 20 to when you’re 30. If you make some mistakes there, you’re done for the rest of your life.
Here in Italy, nobody can get a permanent job anymore because it’s not profitable for the employer, tax wise. You can still get some jobs (frequently underpayed) only until the day you’re 30 because after you’re 30 you can’t be an “apprentice” anymore. And this means you cost more to the employer. And finding a job after that fateful date is harder and harder.
If you’re a woman you’re double screwed because everybody thinks that as soon as a woman gets a job she’ll get married and be pregnant. More costs to the employer. Woman, married and over 35 like me? I can kiss goodbye to /any/ job. Nobody wants me, not even to sell tomatoes at the market.

So yes, today I broke down. I spent the whole day in dreamland, looking at other countries as the promised land that would save me, making plans, dreaming of the day I would run away from here and be the new pioneer, finding life and happiness. Needless to say I lack the strength to ever do something like this and the courage.
Alone, in a foreign country, trying to do what I can’t do in my own land? Alone, day and night, knowing there would be nobody there when I sleep, knowing it would probably be just a waste of time and money and I would come home feeling worse than before?

I never was a hopeless person, hope was my strength, always. And yet today I feel hopeless. Trapped. Closed in a cage I can’t open, a cage I will never be able to escape from. I will be a wife and maybe one day I will be a mother, but I won’t ever be truly happy or satisfied. That is beyond my reach. It’s too late for that.

And now excuse me while I go cry some more.

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