You know when conversations or something apparently unrelated trigger a memory you weren’t thinking about in a long time? Happened to me today.
I was suddenly ported back when I was 20 with my first boyfriend. He was 26 at the time and we already knew each other since a while but only on a “good morning” basis. We even had a short relationship once, that ended before actually starting when I found out he already had a girlfriend. Dirty bastard :P
Anyway a couple of year later we met again… and I don’t know, something sparkled. Something purely physical. I remember him pulling me in his lap while we were out with friends and then asking me out the next day. I remember him kissing me and the sudden wave of desire I felt. We went out for six months before actually making love but to be honest that was more because he didn’t want to rush things (it was my first time) than because I was unsure. God I wanted him. Now that I think back about it, I know it all started because we lusted for each other. Love came later, although when we finally slept together, we were in love as well.
We were together 3 years and then… he asked me to marry him. I was a young girl barely 23yo, in love with love as well as with him, and still dreaming about my charming prince and I said yes. And that’s where problems started, because of course I wasn’t ready. He wanted something I couldn’t give him, and he wanted to change me to fit his idea of wife, like his mother was, all house, work and cooking.
And then, something else happened. I had a friend back then, a dear friend that I was deeply attached to. We knew each other since some years and if not for wrong timing from both of us, our friendship would have blossomed in something else… but then my boyfriend came in the way and we settled as just friends. One evening I was showing him the projects of my new house and then he kissed me. I was stunned. I remember telling him something like “Never do that again”, and then the next thing I know, I was in his arms and he was kissing me again and again.
Things got more complicated after that because I just couldn’t stop seeing him and everytime we met we were one step closer to actually have sex. We never did, but the consequence was that I left my boyfriend, 3 months before getting married. Awful, right? I’m still torturing myself over this, even after all these years.
Fact is, I wasn’t in love with my friend. Things were hard with my boyfriend, and even if I didn’t know it yet (but I do now), I wasn’t in love with him anymore. This friend was a sort of emotional shelter, someone I could relate with without consequences. And now, 10 years later, even ashamed because I was hurting someone, I can’t deny the pure lust we shared.
I’m not a woman who jumps from man to man, I just had three in all my life, one of which is my husband, but I won’t be hypocrite and say that you can’t have sex if you’re not in love. That’s just plainly stupid. You can’t control lust, at least you can’t control it in your mind. You can (and you must) control your actions, but you can’t shut down your mind. As much as you love someone, I don’t find anything wrong in looking at someone else with lust, or even dreaming about it. Being in love doesn’t mean you stop living for the rest of the world or that you stop being a person made of flesh and desires. It just means you have to channel all of that into one person, the one you chose.
I know it may sound weird that a woman is thinking like that. Women are usually all “I won’t ever have sex without love”, but then I guess I’m an unusual woman. Lust is lust and love is love. They may cross their path, but they aren’t the same thing. They never were.
Am I such a bad woman for thinking like that?