It all starts back when I was playing Lineage2. It was a very hardcore game, open world, you could pvp everywhere, with everyone, with or without their consent. Hardcore gamers, the pvpers, got together in very powerful clans and decided who could exp where and who was to be targeted by their whole clan until he quit. Yes, they did it several times.
While playing in Lineage2, I never met a pvper that didn’t look down on me, made fun of me and treated me like I was incredibly stupid because I was playing pve. Like I was doing something wrong.
So, when I started thinking about joining Havoc, I was full of prejudices, based on 5 years of stupid, conceited players and I was very cautious.
As much as I cared for Daemion, I wasn’t willing to walk in this blindly, so while I was working on my char, I did my homeworks in another direction too, trying to understand something more of the Havoc people. I coulnd’t ask Daemion, aside from some very vague question, because I didn’t want him to know I was working towards that goal: I didn’t know if he wanted me to, I didn’t know if I could do it and I just wanted to keep quiet about it until I made up my mind.
The only tool I had was Havoc forum, their recruitment section. I started reading that when Daemion applied and I never stopped, looking at everyone they accepted or rejected and why, trying to understand their mindset. Sometimes I didn’t like their answers, sometimes I thought they were pretty cruel, sometimes I agreed with them.
The thing I was looking for was a sign of elitism, something I hated in Lineage2, and I must admit that Havoc requirement of 1500 kills to apply had all my distaste. It was something Elitist clans were looking for in L2 too, and it really made me laugh when one day I walked into one of the newbie towns to find some of the most known pvpers of the server killing lvl 1 alts to increase their kill counts (and brag about it later).
Kill count became a joke after that for me, something to not take into account at all, because it could be faked, either by killing low level alts, or (in Aion) by going into sieges or just having an opposite faction friend.
Then I joined a couple of Havoc parties and one day I logged into their Ventrilo, finding it a peaceful, fun place to be. Hearing their voices while we were playing was good, because they were calm, never shouting, never talking over one another.
I was pleased to have some of my prejudice shaken, it was what I was hoping for.
My main concern was still their requirements, but I noticed that when they turned down someone it was almost always first because of poor gear (something I can understand from a pvp legion. You just need the gear.), and only after because of his kill count.
Then I met a certain Havoc cleric, and was pretty disgusted. She was coming from Spatalos, she was used to be the queen of the server and she wasn’t willing to step down her throne to start all over in Perento. We argued, and since I hate having a quarrel with anyone, in the end we managed to talk it through. She was all I hated in a pvp player and it irritated me that they had welcomed her with open arms based on statistics and not on her real character. When she went back to Spatalos, I lol’ed, I knew she would have.
After that the temptation to go back to my prejudices was strong but I set them aside, keeping reading their forum, keeping forming my own idea of them.
Time passed, I kept working on Eilan and in the end, when Daemion told me to focus on the market for a while, I reluctantly agreed. As I said I couldn’t risk a denial, I needed to make sure I would get in.
Three days ago I saw one of Havoc recruiting in lfg and Daemion talked me into trying, reversing his previous statement. It took me completely by surprise. I was a scared bundle of nerves. I mean, ok, it was my occasion, but I wasn’t ready. My jewels weren’t complete, I still lacked a pvp shield, my gloves weren’t enchanted. My pvp count was 850. Worst of all, I needed to talk to my legion leader about that, before applying, it was a matter of honesty and loyalty.
It was painful, god it was. I joined Highlander when there were 5 active people. We could barely complete a party. They counted on me, helped me equip, taught me all that I know about pvp. We bonded, I helped them get back on track and they helped me in return, giving me friendship and making me feel less lonely now that I wasn’t in legion with Daemion anymore. Yes, damn it, it was important for me. Just a chat, he was a /w away, and yet it wasn’t enough. I missed him and sometimes I hated him because I had to work so damn hard to try and reach him while he wasn’t showing the least interest in it. I can’t count the times I almost gave up and yet when the occasion came, I hesitated.
I felt so guilty to chase my “dream” leaving the people who helped me behind, and the worst part was when I was told “I counted on you”. I almost gave up again there. I felt like the most horrible betrayer in the world.
I worked hard on my application. Reading their forum for months was helpful as I perfectly knew what they were looking for when a new person applied. Yes, I’m a scheming bitch, but I was determined to get in: I made it as complete as possible, trying to make them see my attitude and not just my gear, trying to make them understand how much I wanted to get in. It worked. Maybe it was that they needed active clerics, I don’t know, but my low kill count was completely overlooked in favour of my character. The pvp armor I worked so hard on was accepted and even my other weak point (the jewelry) was discarded.
I was pleased to see I wasn’t wrong in my opinion of them, and more than a bit surprised on the amount of “nice person” I got.
It took them three days to accept me, and tbh I died inside a bit more at each one of them. After the first one I was already pretty sure I would get in and this was making things worse with my mates in Highlanders. Apart from Devil and Estia, nobody knew I was going away. I dreaded the moment I would have to tell them and yet I needed to. It was killing me to hide it from them, I’m a loyal person and I was feeling so guilty that I could barely talk to them.
Tonight I was determined to leave, to tell them, even if I didn’t get my approval yet. I just couldn’t bear it anymore, I needed to let it out in the open. And, lucky me, Daemion was there to help me, speeding things up. I hope the Havoc leader wasn’t pissed off by this, but when he told me I was in, I really breathed in relief because it was finally over.
Telling my mates was hard. Sachiel helped me there, trying to make them understand I was always available and that I would keep on going into their TS to have fun together. And yet more than one person asked me “but if you want so much to be with Daemion, why don’t you ask him to come here?”. That moved me, their tries to keep me there with them. Pushing the leaving button, I wasn’t crying but I was near to it.
And then… new legion. New people. I hope I’ll get adjusted soon. I took a screenshot of the invite window, to eternal memory. I mean, me, the pve cleric, the always mocked one in L2, being invited to the n.1 pvp legion in the server? It was like a dream. I kept thanking them all, and looking at Daemion’s green name in my same chat… it made me feel it was worth it.
It took me 4 months, but I’m in. I made it with my own strenght, without relying on anybody’s connections to just let me slip in, as I was suggested once. I applied, I got my fair share of positive votes from people who didn’t know me before and I got in. Looking at that Havoc tag above my precious Eilan’s head, I can finally leave behind the pain I felt when PoE disbanded. I’m with Daemion again and I made it with my hard work. I can be proud of myself.