Back and kicking.

There is one thing I always knew since I came of age and I begun to really understand what I wanted from my life. Some people want career, a good job, money, travelling around the world. The only thing I always wanted instead, was a family. A husband, children, the life of a mate and a mother.
It’s not really up to date, I know it. In this age, women want to be the same as men, they don’t want to limit themselves at home, like their grandmothers did. And yet, I don’t feel ashamed at all. I would have appreciated having a job as well, but I guess I’ll have to be content with what I have now :P
So when I moved here from my home, it was with a clear project in mind: marry my boyfriend, begin a family. And I was late, because I wanted to have my first kid before turning 30. I’m almost 35 now, go figure.
Marrying him was a step that filled me with great joy and in the same time brought me closer to my other goal.
Now I know that I will have to wait at least one year to fulfill my wish. And not because I want, but because I have no choice.

Hearing my doctor say “I’m sorry, but there’s a benign tumour in your uterus that you must operate if you want to have kids of your own” when all I wanted to hear was “Congratulations, you’re pregnant” froze me. I was speechless and desperate and I spent the last two days in a sort of trance.
I can’t even remember how much I cried over it, and I know there are still many tears that are begging me to be shed. I missed my mother more than anything, that was a moment I really needed her and hearing her voice on the phone was not enough, I needed to hug her and feel safe.
A whole world of “what if” scrolled in my mind in these two days: what if something goes wrong, what if the surgery is not enough, what if the tumour comes back, what if, what if, what if. Terrible and depressing.

As weird as it may look, I got a lot of help for this from my hobby (which, if you’re not blind, you know by now is playing Aion). As I thought, it didn’t take long before I made up my mind, but recharging the batteries, leaving Eilan behind for a couple of days, was worth it. Yesterday I even talked with an Havoc friend who told me he probably could just have me admitted in by talking to his leader even if I’m nothing special. I can’t get a job but hey, I have a friend in an important legion :P
That made me laugh and laughing put some pressure off my back and made me feel better. It’s an opportunity I probably won’t catch, because if ever, I want to do it in the correct way, but it’s a fun thought nonetheless :)
I don’t know if I will ever take that step, but knowing the door is open is good.

Coming back to my RL, I’m not really out of my depression yet, but I’m moving on. This operation is not something I can avoid, so all I can do is gather up my courage and do it. One thing I learnt in my life, fear is paralyzing. I was taught never to fear a change, never to fear moving on, never to fear a challenge.
And making a parallel, I was paralyzed in Aion too, scared I would never succeed, scared I was just wasting time, asking myself if it was worth it.
Well, my mind is still full of questions, but unblocking myself in Aion helped me unblocking in RL too. Funny how a pixel world can help you in the Real World.

Now I know I’m not going to let my fear stop me, like I never allowed it before. It was just a matter of stopping a second to think, recharge my batteries, breath in deeply and then move on, as I always did.
I’m still afraid, but I’m ready to fight.
My future is at stake here and if it won’t come to me willingly, then I will go and grab it myself.
Back and kicking.

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