I was talking to a dear friend today and that made me think about love. My love for my husband, specifically.
It’s been hard lately, for multiple reasons, part my fault, part his. I hated him, fought with him, sometimes in my darkest moments, I even considered what my life would have been without him.
You see, our relationship was never easy. When I met him, I was already 25 and I was living with another man, I had a stable relationship that I thought would blossom in a family soon.
Then he came. We met online, chatting, roleplaying. We were part of a online Roleplay community, based on a fantasy world created on internet. Our characters were part of the same adventure, so we played together at least twice a week.
But there was more… when we didn’t play, we chatted, knew each other better and in the blink of an eye, we were in love. Without ever having seen each other once. Sometimes I think that’s why we lasted so long, that’s why I chose him: I didn’t fell for a face, or a body, I fell in love with a soul.
My life got a lot more complicated after that, of course. I had a boyfriend, a life already set before me, I had certainties. He was just a 20 years old boy, living 250km far away from me. It was risky. How could I know it would have worked out? Was I really willing to trade my life with this new adventure?
Well, that was a leap of faith. But I jumped.
We spent five years worth of traveling, each week end. I could only see him from friday evening to early monday morning, the rest was chat and phone. It was difficult. Sometimes we almost gave up. Almost.
Then… another big jump, we went to live together. Again, I was the one who closed her eyes and did it. I left my home, my town, my family, my life and I came here, to stay with him. God, if I thought five years of traveling was hard, this was worse. You never really know a person until you live with him. And trust me, in the first 6 months we were close to break up for good. It was really terrible, getting used to another person, changing your routine, facing all the problems that arise… wow.
In the end, we did it, even if it wasn’t all sugar and candies. It never was between us.
We lived together 4 years before marrying, and now we’re close to our first anniversary.
Looking back in time, I know him from almost ten years. It was struggle and pain, and joy and happiness. I guess you can’t have one without the other.
Do I still love him? Oh yes. Our love changed during these years, it didn’t stay the same. We changed too. He developed some sides of his character I always hated, something we fight about very frequently but hell, I just can’t stop loving him.
In the end, love isn’t a fairytale. You don’t wake up in each others arms, you don’t eat breakfast together like in the perfect family, you don’t always get a kiss when he goes out.
It’s bills to pay, cooking, cleaning, working, making sacrifices.
But it’s together. That’s the difference. You wake up each day, find the other one near and think “If you’re here, then I’m strong. I can go on.”
He can make me cry, oh yes. He did, and he will again. But when I cry because of him, he is the only one who can console me, who can heal the wound he created. Nobody else can. We can fight, we can shout, we can even hate each other, but we’re linked. My soul and his soul are together and whatever the future has in store for us, they will always be.
It’s like a chain, holding us together, however unwillingly it can be sometimes. I hate him when we argue, I wish I could go away, far, far away from him and forget about his very existence, but deep inside I know I won’t, not because I can’t but because I don’t really want to. Even in our darkest fights, I never came to say “It’s over”. It can’t be over, not between us. He belongs to me and I belong to him.
So yes, love isn’t easy and it won’t be, ever. It takes strenght and courage to love someone, to truly love someone, facing hardships and fights and life. There is no recipe for love, no advice that can work in a relationship. If you meet the right person, then you’ll know, in your heart. And when the “Is this person worth this?” question will show up, you will struggle with it, find every possible, logical reasons to answer “no, I can’t”. But in the end, if there is Love, you will just bow your head before it and quietly, even unwillingly answer “Yes”.