Is there anybody out there?

I was thinking today and, through a chain of thought I don’t really remember, religion came to my mind. I often hear people asking themselves if a God really exists, a superior entity who watch over us and most of the time the answer is no.
I’m catholic, I always was. I was christened and I spent five years of my life (the primary school) with nuns. Many will think “oh my god, how terrible”. To be honest, those were the best years of my entire life. Yes, we prayed. We spent a good 20 minutes in the morning praying. Nuns taught us some simple prayers to offer God our day and to ask for guidance and even though I remember it was boring me when I was a child, those simple rituals calm me even now.
It’s not that I kneel down every morning and stay there in penance for a while. I just raise my thoughts to God and offer him what good I can do that day, asking him to protect the ones I love.
I don’t know if my prayers are heard by someone, I will never know until the moment I die, I suppose. And yet I have faith. It’s not something logical, faith can never be logical. It’s just something I feel inside, that warms me up and make me feel better even when I’m sad or desperate.

I don’t expect anyone but me to guide my life. It’s a product of my choices, good or bad and it’s my responsibility to make the best I can out of it. But I do believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason, one that I can misunderstand, but it’s there nonetheless. I’m not a paragon of virtues, all the contrary. I don’t go to church and I did several things in my life I’m deeply ashamed of, so I’m not all prayers and good deeds. I just try to be better, to learn from my mistakes (that’s so hard…).
I suppose I have a personal way of having faith, despite my being catholic… for example, I find that the sunday Mass is mostly created by men, not by Christ. I often asked myself “wow, is it really necessary to pray like this?”. I mean, I understand the Gospel reading or some of the prayers and the Holy Communion of course, but the rest… I don’t know, it’s praying but it looks like a bit fake. A product of men.
And to be honest (just to be a bit blasphemous), I think God showed himself as a man just because the world was ruled by men and nobody would have ever listened to a woman. Another thing I will only know when I die ^^

It’s easy to believe God doesn’t exist. Obvious reasonings aside, you just have to look at a fantasy book to ask yourself “Look, this is a story and there are several Gods in it. Why can’t /our/ God be a story too?” I asked that myself, but I never had a doubt anyway.
Am I happier than all the people who doesn’t have religious faith? Obviously not. Are they happier than me? Obviously not. We just have two different ways of looking at things.
I’m comfortable with mine, despite all the drawbacks and I never tried to change anybody’s mind about it, it’s their life and they choose how to live it.

As I said… I’m not the perfect religious woman, not at all, and yet, my faith helped me in my most awful hours, it sustained me and gave me hope for the future. It gave me strenght and courage. For that alone, true or false, I thank God. And after all… this is an answer I will have, sooner or later, right? We all will. Whether I’m right or wrong, I will concentrate on living my life following what I believe into… it makes me happy and it doesn’t harm anybody, so why not :)


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