“Whatever”

Everything is bad lately and I wish I knew why. It’s almost like a curse, spreading in every section of my life. And the worst part is, I don’t have the strenght anymore to try and fix it.
I’m depressed and sad but most of all, I’m resigned: problems keep piling up and there’s no stopping to it.
Maybe I should cry. Crying usually relieves me from stress, making me see things under a different perspective. I just can’t cry now, I’m too tired.

I have so much going on in my head I don’t even know where to start… my wedding, my husband, my house, my hobbies… it’s a vortex. I can’t breathe.

It’s never enough. Whatever I do, it’s never enough. I clean home? I forgot a corner or it wasn’t good enough.
I do X, Y and Z stuff? I should have done W too.
I want a place I can call home and be happy in it? I don’t work, so I’ll never be able to help buying it, I’ll always be a guest in a house I don’t want, with furniture that was imposed on me. I had to destroy my furniture to come here, stuff I had since I was a teenager, hand made stuff I was emotionally attached to. But I was left a house almost completely furnished and there wasn’t room enough. And of course we couldn’t get rid of the beautiful mahogany table, or gift it to some family member. No, we had to keep it. And we couldn’t get rid of the leather couch and armchair (which the cat is destroying of course), no, we had to get rid of our couch.
I could go on for ages like this.
And the best part is? This house SUCKS. It’s a horrible neighbourhood, horrible people, and I HATE it. I’m a fucking guest here and I will always feel like this. We’re here since a month and we’re already thinking about moving again, because this is no life, it’s a constant war. It’s destroying my peace, my nerves, my will to smile.

It’s almost like I don’t count at all. I’m here, trying to be helpful, trying not to argue, and to make everyone happy. The result? A slap, right in the face, where it hurts. It ends up with people feeling like they can walk on me and say “whatever.”
But how about what I want? How about what I feel? How about what I need?
Either it doesn’t matter, or it’s not important.

I can’t even find some relief in my hobby because it has to be a drama there too. Aion was more a pain than a joy since PoE disbanded. I was my stupid self, I let myself grow too much attached and in the end I suffered like I was robbed of something precious and unique. And when I came back playing? I had one friend in there, someone who moved on to pretty much the only legion in the whole server I could never join. I tried to find my place elsewhere but I felt lonely and PoE’s shadow was always on me. So I thought “Let’s change. Let’s give myself a target, something to achieve. It will take time, but it will be something different, something worth trying. My friend is worth it.”

Now, with all that I’m facing in RL, I don’t know anymore what is worth and what is not. Do I really have the time, or the will, or the reason, to keep trying to do everything and just receive a “whatever.” ? Is it worth my arguing with my husband because I play, or my feeling bad when my friend is angry? I’m playing Aion for him, doing all I’m doing in Aion for him, because I want to be with him again and it takes time and effort and I’m not even sure I can achieve it. Does he want me to? Am I fooling myself? I don’t know and since he’s not the type who talks and I’m not the type who asks, I’m stuck.
The only time I knew he cared was when I told him I wasn’t leaving Aion for another game and I was staying. There he smiled and I smiled too because the main reason I was staying, was him, even if I was giving up something I knew I would have loved. But I cared for him, and I didn’t want to loose him, I liked what we were together. So I stayed.

And again, despite my best intentions and despite my trying to do everything, it’s not enough. It’s never enough and I start to feel insulted by this endless repetition. And to be honest, I’m getting tired of trying if there are no rewards but just slaps in the face. And this is regarding everything: Aion, my RL, everything.
I’m dangerously near the spot where I will be the one saying “whatever”. And I will be saying it for good.

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